15.45
If you’re a glass half-empty kind of gal (and what girl who spent her adolescence resembling a frizzy q-tip with mosquito bites wouldn’t be?) the bumpy road to adulthood was most likely wrought with disappointment. I’m not talking the extremely serious disappointment of finding out you’ll have to wear braces to your senior prom (though that happened)…I mean little let downs that didn’t seem to matter until you looked back at them in retrospect and thought, “hum. That was a disappointing day.” Having grown up in the 90s, disappointments ranged from Hey Dude! getting cancelled to realizing middle school boys weren’t interested in the tall, nerdy girls who wore hair mascara.
Since listicles seem to be all the rage, I’ve created this preliminary collection of disappointments found in pop-culture from the 90s and into the early 2000s. This list is obviously very important.
1. Katie Holmes singing “On my Own” on Dawsons Creek:
2. Kid Cuisine:
Like the good 90s child I was, I was into anything advertised between and Salute your Shorts andRoundhouse. If Stick Stickley endorsed it, I wanted it. In what would eventually lead to a crippling need for acceptance and belonging, I desperately wanted to like Kids Cuisine because it was the coolest dinner around. Ever the discerning palate, however, I couldn’t stomach the plasticized mac and cheese or ground up chicken nuggets. I tried many times to love the kids’ version of the crap adults eat when BMI is no longer a concern but to no avail. I’m sure my current waif-ish status thanks me.
3. Pogs
Yet another attempt at belonging, this craze was lost on me entirely. I collected them, I had the hologram slammers, and yet my interest drastically waned until my tousle-haired third grade crush asked me if I wanted to trade his peace sign for my yin-yang. This same tousle-haired boy would also promise to sit with me on the bus if I let him copy my homework. I handed the Pogs and completed multiplication tables without any hesitation.
4. Fun Dip (let it be noted that this is an on-going disappointment)
Of course, not everything was a let down…there was one saving grace of childhood…
!!!!
BEST: The episodes of Full House where they used BOTH Michelles in one shot:
This was typically utilized for story lines involving an evil twin, an angel/devil on the shoulder scenario, or that EPIC episode where Michelle fell off her horse and forgot her WHOLE FAMILY. In the case up above, this is when the girls play long lost cousins, one from Greece and the other from San Francisco. They are shocked at how much they look alike and lets just say some pretty kooky shenanigans ensued…
Even though everyone knew they were twins due to child labor laws, seeing both twins in the shot made you feel like you were in the know—like the producers were sending a sneaky wink your way saying, “no special effects required here.”
And that does it. I would talk about the injustice that was S Club 7’s fade to black but I’m still a little miffed about it.
17.50
I’ve noticed that creatives often have interesting resumes, typically starting waaaaaaay over there and ending somewhere a bit more reasonable. The early jobs often made you cry in the back room, comforted only by the knowledge that all of your friends were waiting for you back at the dorm with the Mean Girls DVD, cold pizza, and warm beer. Mine was an ambling path, paved with riotous customers, lots of khaki pants/black tee combos, and one mild panic attack working Black Friday at a toy store’s 4am opening. A short list of the jobs that paid the bills through high school and college:
TJ Maxx: I was 16. Main job was to clean the fitting room at the end of the day, collecting the hair extensions that would inexplicably gather in the corners like majestic tumble-weaves.
KB Toys: They made me dress like Shrek once.
Giovanni’s Trendz: An inner-city store focused on all things FUBU and ROCA Wear. Sadly, this would not be the last place I worked that replaced the “s” with a “z.”
Very Sad Basement Comedy Club: The comedians taught me how to play poker. I retained none of it.
Phatt Boyz BBQ: That other place with a Z.
Victoria’s Secret: Worked there for 30 minutes. My alarm didn’t go off and I missed the orientation. Weeping, I passed a sign in front of the Hill Tavern. They were hiring servers.
Hill Tavern: Almost 5 years. The cooks called me Brain of Baby because I was the worst waitress ever. Turns out I was a much better bartender and I made loads and loads and loads of money all the time and sometimes I miss the feel of cold, hard cash in my pocket after a long night of cutting off drunk sorority girls.
Substitute Teacher: Oh, really group of second graders? Your teacher aaaaalways lets you eat candy in class and go on trips to the water fountain without asking? LIES. LIES LIES LIES. Do not eff with Miss B, I know your game.
One-to-one teacher’s aide for 2nd grader: He peed his pants once and I told the kids who saw him that he spilled his Gatorade because I’m the NICEST. Also all the kids fought to hold my hand on the way to gym class. Just saying.
After school teacher for grades 1-4: Favorite stock phrase—Oh my god you guys, really? You’re [1st, 2nd, 3rd,4th] graders, you’re acting more like [insert one grade lower].
Theater camp counselor: My brother and I taught a class on taking selfies and I taught standup to 10 year olds. Only one of them wasn’t funny. I will hate him forever.
[Then I started writing and bought a lot of dresses. The End.]
17.39
Just a little doodling
19.31
I realize that this directly conflicts with everything I do to pay the bills but online shopping is just too darn easy. One minute I’m browsing a beautiful sale section, the next thing I know I’m screen-shotting a confirmation number congratulating me on my linen tank top purchase. Like people talk about car accidents and rage blackouts, it all happened so fast.
Would I take it back? No. The subtle striping is universally flattering and a linen/cotton blend is a major step up from my usual Forever 21 castoffs that are more reminiscent of soggy sandpaper than fabric suited to touch human skin. However, would I have liked a little more time to think? Why, yes I would have.
Some things that could have been done differently:
-Replace Add to Cart with “Really think about this decision. Really. Think about it.”
-Filling out each field for the shipping address should trigger a flashback to that time you had to pay for a croissant with nickels.
-As you enter in your credit card information, a scrolling montage of impulse purchases you’ve regretted should flash on the screen, starting with that belted button down sweater vest that you bought just because it was , and ending with the formal vintage dress that could only ever be worn to 1968 inaugural ball.
-“Confirm Purchase” button should be replaced with an icon that represents living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of your life, never making a dent in your student loans, and struggling through an otherwise unimpressive financial life completely void of elaborate vacations or a decent gym membership.
-Confirmation email should be a GIF of a sad stick figure pulling out his empty pockets and sucking on a chicken bone he found in the trash for nourishment.
Not that a tank top is going to break the bank. But just like hard drugs and that first hit of a Dawson’s Creek Netflix binge, it’s a rapid descent into regret.